Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
