I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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