So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
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I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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