Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I puked a lego.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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