dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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