sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
