I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
