Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
