this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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