the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
