If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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