Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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