totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You took a bar mat shot.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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