Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
