Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
