I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
