i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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