she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
