i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
