if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
