If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
