Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
