i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This girl is more easily done than said...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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