Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
