just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
