i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
