Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
