Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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