my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
