If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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