yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
