Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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