I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't deserve a penis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
