I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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