the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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