the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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