Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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