i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
