just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
