The maid of honor just puked.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
