How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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