oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
