Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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