i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
