You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Drake has all the answers
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
