I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
