Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
