I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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