The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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