She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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