toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
