I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
