I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Can I color on your dick again?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
