Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
