you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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