I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
